Whats love?

When your mother provides you with care and affection, is that love?
When your father provides you with support, is that love?
When your siblings provides you with "conditioning", is that love?
When your teacher provides you with direction, is that love?

When your relatives provide you with encouragements, is that love?
When your friends provide you with fun and enjoyment, is that love?
When your well-wishers provide you with advice, is that love?
When your God provides you with what you wish, is that love?

When a girl provides you with special attention, is that love?
When a girl cares for you with evergrowing affection, is that love?
When a girl tells you that she cant forget you ever, is that love?
When a girl confesses that she loves you, is that love?

When you cant stop thinking about a girl, is that love?

When you will do anything for a girl, is that love?

When you think you want that girl, is that love?
When you believe "THE ONE" is that girl, is that love?

When a girl says she no longer loves you, is that still love?
When a girl says she loves another guy, is that still love?
When a girl says she never loved you, is that still love?
When a girl says no relationship can ever exist, is that still love?

When you think there is no one for you, there is still love
When you think you have been ditched unceremoniously, there is still love
When you think you have been fooled all the while, there is still love
When you think you cant bear the pain, there is still love

Love is what you think you never had
Love is what you have always got
Love is what you believe to be "by default"
Love is what you have ignored so far!

The Schumacher Saga

Why o why on earth does statistics play catch up? Maybe cos nothing is perfect, maybe cos it gives a human more inspiration to do one better...Whatever it is, it was really dampening to see the misery that was wielded upon Schumi today in the Chinese GP. He was by far the fastest in Pre-Qualifying and the race, and thereupon lies the sadness. For the F1 geeks, specially the schumi and ferrari fans, things werent really perfect today. You can love him, you can hate him but you can never avoid him - Thats schumi. I remember in suzuka 1998 when he was within the grasp of the championship fair and square - Last race, trailing by 1 point, Pole position, stall from grid, started last, running third with 26 laps to go and a blown tire right on the first turn! And today, Fastest in Pre-Qualifying, Spun in Qualifying due to mechanical glitch, Started last, running 5th on an even field, spun again, caught up again, blown tire halfway around the lap, fastest lap of the race...and finished 12th...aint a justification for a valiant effort where he wud have easily overtaken more than 20 cars!

The only consolation today is that Rubens Barrichello (Ferrari) won the race, both their cars were the fastest, Rubens sealed the 2nd place in the Drivers championship, and thank god Schumi has already clinched the championship!

Some curious points I pondered about:

1. Whenever McLaren blew their tyres, it was always on the last turn leading into the pit lane, while Ferrari blow their tyres in the beginning of the lap!
2. Ralf Schumacher always ends up on worse during any collision, whether hes at fault or not
3. Coulthard always takes the bits and pieces remaining, by virtue of an entity called LUCK.
4. Montoya always has the attitude of being arrogant in victory (well, for a guy whoz won 3 races in his career till now, thts a bit too much i wud say), and starts blaming everyone for his poor performances.
5. When will Raikkonnen stop mumbling to himself and talk corrigibly?
6. Toyota, for their huge budget, isnt even getting TV exposure time nowadays!
7. Why Ferrari test driving hasnt "refined" Massa's driving style? Hes still the boy-ish go fast, try for every overtaking move, wear out the tyres and the breaks and finish in the low points.
8. Why Fisichella wasnt taken up as the replacement for Renault when Fisichella is contracted to Renault next year and Jacques Villenueve is contracted to Sauber next year? Plus Sauber has no one in sight in front or behind to worry, Renault is struggling to catch up on BAR!
9. Does Minardi blow something off just to get some TV time? That was the only time they were visible (that too, not quite cos of TV commercial).

Can anyone gimme any clues?

End of Story

There it is...the end of my autobiography. Juz wanted to put tht somewhere so that I can look back upon in some years time... Its always nice to reminiscence the past! Hope it will be more of a blog from now on instead of a BigLOG courtesy makki.

Year 4

It was the final year (atleast for most of us in the batch), and we were getting increasingly impatient to get out of the university. One thing thats peculiar in life is that we always wanna get out of our present and move ahead to the future and then once in the future, realise how much better the past was! That reinforces my point that you should never worry about the past or think about the future, just live in the present. We were busy with academics, final year project (which started off badly and in the end, made me look good) and job search in the later half. I spent most of the time in the canteen and on the playground. Its maybe irony that only in the last year was I able to prove that I was really good at cricket. I have played for Div 1-3 over the four years, but this year, I played for both Div1 and Div3 simultaneously and I was doing well in both. Collectively I had more scalps than anyone else in Singapore. This resulted in my Half-Color award by the university at the end. My cricketing career in university was a tale of delayed opportunity.

With regards to my love life, everything went smooth and nice. It was progressing along and we got more intimate. I used to feel a bit sad that I wouldnt be able to give my parents the chance to choose my wife, but apart from that, I knew that I had made the right choice. She doesnt look all that great, but I knew I loved her and thats all it mattered. So many people have back-stabbed me over the years that I was really happy that I found a person who cares about me and is a nice friend and gives me true love. I hate to admit it, but now that I think of it, I should have been more prudent. But for me, I think 10 times before I do anything, but once I am into something, I never look back. Probably I was blindly doing somethings, but what to do. Thats the way I am.

At the end of it ofcourse, the job search was hell. The economy was really down due to 9/11 and I couldnt have graduated at a worse time. I had to wait 2 months and 650 applications before I got my first interview call. And after sitting through 4 levels of interview, I finally landed up a job in Phillip Securities (famously assumed as Philips- the electronics company). It wasnt paying well, but what the heck, during bad times, you take what comes to you.

Fourth year was Frantic.

Year 3

The year started as miserably as the previous had ended, with a heavy load of academics. I realised that I am pretty bad at electronics and I would love to do core computer stuff. I also formed my hatred for the university marking system and I never put in any sort of effort to study for the exams. All the exams, I just prepared the night before. Thats all it deserves I used to think. Irony was that after this, my grades began to improve!

We were all eagerly awaiting the Industrial Attachment programme. I was placed in SingTel with guess who, Anumeha. I had to work with her for 6 months, and I realised how dumb she was technically. Usually I am not critical of people and I always find good things about them. She looks decent and she is cute and nice to talk to, but thats about it. It may be useful to quote here that shes currently placed in Microsoft. God save Microsoft!

I always wanted an arrange marriage, cos more than anything, I thought since my parents have done so much for me over the years, I thought they deserved to find a match for me. But this year, I quite unexpectedly fell in love with a gal. She proposed to me as she was jealous of another girl who was getting close to me. I dont wanna reveal the name (but its almost common knowledge to my friends) cos it dint work out in the end. But it was interesting to venture into a woman's life and mind. It was quite funny some of the things they possess like ego, jealousy, curiosity, and totally unpredictable! The minus was that my friends felt that I was being increasingly detached from them and attached to my computer (yeah, it was an e-relationship).

Third Year was Tiresome.

Year 2

With the juniors arriving, it was my turn to "treat" them well. I never believed in physical torture, which some guys seemed to like, but more just talkin to them and breaking them down mentally. I also realised that all is not well with the world and life aint a bed of roses. This year also introduced me to chatting on the internet. Started off accidentally, but became quite fun making friendships all over the world. Notable of those were 2 gals named Aishwarya and Maathangi, who became quite good friends. I was staying quite far from the other guys in my batch, so the computer (games, music, movies, surfing) became my life. And ofcourse chatting, which I was to become synonymous with, for my friends. And predictably I was "linked" to Aishwarya. I was linked to some gals at school as well, and I always found it amusing when people talk about you and a gal. I dont know if its good or bad that I never retaliated to the guys when they say something like that. One nice thing was that our In-House Project was selected the best hardware project as it used the least number of ICs. Well, I was doing the software side :P I remember till the last week, nothing worked, and a coupla ppl in my group ditched us and went to India. Anumeha and me slogged it out in her room in the nights (its quite funny that this actually makes some people pretty jealous), and on the last night, made it work! I always like challenges and the satisfaction you get once you struggle and finally find the solution is just heavenly. Even though the project was in Java, I realised that I dont like it.

In the second half, one of my friends Dinesh was quite depressed and used to spend half the time in my room. He was a quite nice guy and I was talking him up and managed to make him put in some effort to study. Its always tough to come out of being hurt, but I being an optimist to the core, never find it tough to come out of any bad thing in my life. I also remember thinking how could a gal affect one's life so much, but I would later realise... But having Dinesh around was the start of my interest in English music. One thing thats bad about me is that I have some prejudices and I stick to it. I am pretty tough mentally and dont care a damn about what anyone says. I do what I like and thats it. But he was able to make me listen to a coupla songs which I really liked. Even now, I am dependant on him to add to my English song collection! Maybe that says something about me.

And my roommate syndrome continues...First half, I had a guy called Vivek Kausik, who was branded a paedophile, so you know the kinda music that greeted me on my arrival everytime. And he was a game-freak, I enjoyed beating him in racing games. I really played and played and played racing games and became pretty good at it. NFS was my favourite. Dinesh re-introduced me to the world of Formula1 and I became a crazy fan.

Second year was Smooth.

Year 1

It was a bit strange with everyone telling me before departure to take care and dont be home sick and stuff. I wasnt feeling anything as I was looking forward to a new experience which I was pretty curious about. And I still remember giggling when they told me dont get into any bad habits. Maybe I was too confident of myself :P Once I landed here, was fun. The orientation (aka ragging) went on for sometime and I managed to find a lot of new friends among batchmates and seniors. I was probably the most oriented junior in my batch. I also realised I was pretty much home sick, even though I quite enjoyed being independant. Didnt feel lonely as there were so many Indians around. I also got famous (or infamous) due to my poetry skills which people generally mock at, but got some good comments as well. Some even went to the extent of creating a RA Samaj for me :P I was what people define a "fruit" when I entered university, but since then got to know a lot of things (both good and bad), but atleast I wasnt ignorant anymore! A coupla girls (one local gal and one batchmate of mine) came and proposed to me during the first month. The first gal, I got shocked and with my parents' warning of not to get into "anything", I was pretty afraid. So I rejected. The second gal, I was surprised she proposed as I hadnt even known her that much, and I thought generally guys go after girls. Plus I did not know Hindi (yeah, my decision criteria arent the best in town :P). So, I just said sorry. Well, it makes me a bit sad that she kinda became weird after that, but I keep telling myself its her nature and I hope its not due to me!

Also, this was the start of my "Rommmate Syndrome". The first half I shifted 4 rooms within a space of 1 month, and then I had a local Indian guy as my roomie, who left his Mech Engg course (which he did for 3 yrs) to go to Australia and do medical! Then came a french guy. Dint get on well with them, as I had just got a comp, and he wasnt happy with my prodding away at it at unearthy times (I usually stay up quite late at nights, which irked him). He has a nice french babe as his gf for sometime, and one night, he started making out with her in the room. I got so shocked that I spent a coupla hours in the next room. I was thinking whats wrong with these people who dont even care about whoz in ther? Later, came and slept quietly. The next day morning gave me a sight for a split second I will never forget though ;)
First year was Fun.

Std 12

Never thot an year goes so damn fast. We were the school seniors (the bullies) and almost every other guy was trying for a junior gal or drooling about a classmate (or a teacher in some cases), so it was quite fun watching those! Inside the class though, the separation between the guys and the gals grew and the year was all about competition. Wished I had made use of that time to get some contacts. Would be four long years before I get back in touch with my batchmates again. IIT classes seemed a bit of a drag and wished many a time that I just had to write the damn exam. I finally wrote that and didnt manage to pass, but got some naval architecture as a consolation prize :P God I hated spending half my life in the sea, especially as I didnt know swimming! I know its crazy, but its amazing how such a small thing can play a big role in shaping your decisions. I did remember crying briefly over my IIT results. But thts abt it. Time to carry on..

Well, I will never know whether I ended up in the right place, but I got only a Singapore Airlines scholarship to study in an unknown university called NTU in Singapore. All I know about it was that some stupid senior came and gave a talk on that in school. Just thot will apply as the last option, but since all my other results were delayed, that was the only option and I decided to take it. After all, isnt it nice to study with no financial backing from your parents? My father did the same, and so I naturally wanted to emulate him. I was also awarded the Best Conduct award with the rolling shield, which I collected on the school annual day, the day I was to fly off to Singapore. Was an exciting first airplane trip for me. Was very curious about a lot of things that I vowed to find out more about. Later, I was told that I was the only guy in PSBB to get into IIIT, Hyderabad. Also, I would have got IT in anna univ. The famous failures were at BITS and ROORKIE. Anywayz, thts life. Always got what I never expected, and never got what I expected.

Std 11

My father wanted me to do CA and my sis wanted me to go into computers. I liked both and so, was in a dilemma. But in the end, I chose what I felt I knew better and liked better, and then did I press my first key of my career. I always wanted to become a fighter pilot or an astronomer, but computers were the next best thing. With big hopes and dreams, I plunged into my future. Finally found the first love of my life! I wasnt the guy who likes the silken touches, but am firm and smooth, and quite efficient handling the delicate piece of creation ;) Couldnt get my hands off once I started dwelving deep into unravelling the secrets. I never stopped gaping at how much you can use and get seduced and addicted. I realised everything boils down to your creativity. Thats right. I fell in love with the computer!

I also got myself an NTSE scholarship, the real value of which, I would realise a year later. Suddenly, the subjects seemed more indepth and I was able to know which ones I liked and which ones I didnt. I also had to raise my bar to remain competitive among a real good bunch of students. My partial color blindness also came to haunt me in my labs (I still remember thanking the guys who made the multimeter to read the resistance values everytime I had a resistor in my hand. Chemistry labs were easier as once u mug up the color of the precipitates n solutions, its ok). Also, we started on our board projects, which were quite nice and nice excuses to bunk classes.

Std 10

All eyes on the public exam right from the start. 10th was supposed to be a race, but we had a lot of fun and enjoyment along the way. Many memorable instances were there. We used to mock at all the teachers and treat every period as fun. The unique moment of 10th was when I got slapped by my teacher for the only time. Mrs. Anuradha Sridhar, the biology teacher, asked me to stand up, then realised she was too short, pulled me down and holding my ear, slapped me hard. I was puzzled and stunned. I could not believe all that was for a wrong answer and a smile.
The Prayoga science labs were interesting. I got to know about some technology used to do experiments. I remember the last lab of prayoga that I had to attend and I was down with severe viral fever and was vomitting. I could not postpone it as it was too close to the board exams. I heard my father say that my sis had written her 10th board exams when she had chicken pox and it was horrible and that he was praying nothing like that should happen to me. That increased my regards for my sis a lot. Somehow managed to go there and finish it off. Well, this incident shouldnt matter except for the fact that I realised that even in the worst possible moment, when you think you cant take another step, you can still push yourself to the limit and beyond.

Any account of 10th wont be complete without a mention about the farewell. We had a class farewell, where all the teachers were present. We had an awesome presentation for the teachers including performances and food. The mimicry session by Vikram Sundar was awesome. That got a couple of teachers Alamelu Chidambaram and Chandra Nagarajan pretty pissed off. The ones we were thinking will get annoyed (Chitra Devarajan-CD alias maggi) was taking it very jovially. Ofcourse, the spirited song "Aathula annakili" by Balaji, which was at that time, the most perverted song - was another highlight. It was a really nice way to say good bye to each other, but we were too young to really know where we were headed or gather some info to keep in touch with each other. But one thing I realised quite late is that you can never forget what happened and will always relish the friendships made.

Std 9

Higher Secondary was new and strenuous. We were not used to reading so much. But it was nice. The teachers were cordial and the students started to segregate into well-defined groups. I got to read the maximum amount of books (novels ofcourse) during 9th. I used to visit the library very frequently. I had an option to go for tuition outside, but I refused. I somehow dint wanna do what others are doing, just for the sake of getting good marks. I thot if I can get good marks without slogging, why not. 9th was the start of teasing on the basis of gender. I was the only one with a proper moustache then, and was subject to giggles during biology classes. The science labs also generated a lot of interest for me. A lot of guys thot they were grown ups, so it was a pretty messy situation with egos starting to creep in. 9th passed off fast under heavy workload and resulted in my fourth all rounder prize. But it did not mean anything to me as it broke the sequence. I wished it had come a year before.

Std 8

Eighth was a dream. It went off so fast! But it was memorable for a lot of things. We probably had the best set of teachers of all the sections. AC was again the tamil teacher, and I began to like the tamil prose and poetry a lot. Especially purananooru attracted me a lot, while Thirukkural continued to amaze me for the wealth of meaning it contained in 7 words. Mrs. Padmashree Ramesh (PR) was our class teacher and social studies as well. She was nice and we had a lot of fun together as a class. Whenever it was her class, we could take it for granted as a free period. Not that she did not teach us anything, but that she made sure we had our share of fun.

I had developed a liking for psuedo-sciences like Astrology, Numerology and Palmistry. My father was pretty good at everything but he refused to divulge anything to me. I had to pester him a lot to get a book on the same for my birthday. Even after I got one, I had to be in constant search for the book as my parents used to hide it from me. Or sometimes even my sister in the course of a fight. I remember seeing numerology and palmistry for PR(my first victim outside my flat).

Mrs. Sarita Prasad was for hindi, and somehow magically my hindi average was 90+. I still have no clue how I got that. Mrs. Valsa Balaji was for english and I was awed by her english skills. Though I found her accent a bit funny at times, she increased my interest in poetry, as we had to do a lot of poetry comprehension, even outside the book. At the end of the year, we were all so overwhelmed by Mrs. Padmashree Ramesh that we requested her to take classes in 9th also. She was probably the most liked teacher by my section in the whole PSBB life.

But I was really sad at the end of it, as I did not get the expected All Rounder prize. Not only that I thought I was the best suited for that, I was upset that the number sequence 2...4...6... did not continue.

Std 7

The main thing I remember about 7th standard was that I found out what were my likes and dislikes as far as academics was concerned. I realised how much I hated hindi. Hindi was a struggle for me in 6th, but it was the basics, so I scrapped through. In 7th, I could not stand it. Coupled with a stern teacher who generously gave 5 black marks as if shes distributing prasad, it became a nuisance. I was ok with the language as such but I was horrible in grammar.

I also found out the things I was strong in, including Geography and English. The geography teacher was really nice, soft and polite and it was a boost, especially after the my hindi classes. My english teacher, Mrs. Lalitha Chandrasekhar was the foundation for my poetry skills. She introduced us to poetry and it was really nice. I loved William Wordsworth's daffodils poem. Simple english but strong message, keeping reader's interest all through. I wanted to write something like that sometime. Also, there was one comic incident in Tamil. I am known for my tamil writing skills. I rote "bharathiyar ettaiyapurathil paranthaar" instead of "piranthaar" and also "dharithiram" instead of "sarithiram". My tamil teacher started laughing and in the test that followed, I got a 100 in tamil for the first and last time. Now, that IS irony!

I got to play my first and last matches for my school cricket team in 7th. I was a decent medium pacer (along with vikram and sriram - who is now playing for tamil nadu), I was also a good fielder, though I realised that I did not have the power in my shoulders while batting. So, I was more of a nudger. My school team had a pretty strong batting line up and so, I did not have much of a role as a batsman. I remember that the coach was impressed with me, but I left cricket after my father coaxed me to concentrate on my studies in 8th std promising me that I will get my chance in 9th. I knew that was not going to happen, but I had to concede. Out of my brief cricketting career in school, I remember two things. Once when I was selected in the playing XI for what would have been my first match, to be played in the MCC B ground (which was very famous). I was all eager, only to find out at the last minute that someone else has replaced me. That hurt a lot. I came back to class and it was painful sitting in all whites all day with all teh students' and teachers' glares on me.

In our flat, we used to have nice New Year celebrations, with lots of games and things to eat and performances in the night. It was going on for the past 3 years. This year was grand as we invited people from the surrounding streets also. It was all out fun and enjoyment. I had to dance and sing a song. As for the last 3 years, right on the evening of 31st dec, I got injured in my knee when I fell down. I had to get some 9 stitches done and was fully bandaged. Twice previously I was injured and once, I was down with high fever. I was sad I could not perform.
Also, we have yearly games in our flat. I used to be proficient in almost all the games I played. Though in some, I was not the favorite to win, I usually give a very good fight and try to win everything. Usually in head-to-head games, I come atleast 2nd. I was the champion for the last 2 years, but this year, I faced a stiff competition from my dad's colleague's son, Dilip Kumar. He was also equally passionate about winning everything he entered into. So, it was a tough fight. It was always 1-2 between us in all the games, either way. But finally, I got the championship by some 2-3 points and was pretty happy about that. I was probably the youngest guy out of people from my age group. The others were either too small or all older than me. I always feel happy fighting against older or better guys as it improves my game. Along the way, there were a lot of emotional moments, but I remember one clearly. During the finals of Badminton, I was playing with Gopi, who had played more competitive levels and has never lost before. I was rated only fourth. But I was in a winning position that evening and he appealed for bad light on the advice of the referee, Vijay, who lost the previous round to me. They voted for a re-match the next day, though I thought it was unfair. I felt cheated and started crying. To my surprise, my sister cajoled me. I realised later that she had been supporting me against the stronger player all the while too. For once, I felt that she really cares for me. She kept talking me up and saying that I can win against him. The next day, I was a stronger person (I hate to admit it but her words were responsible for that) and I beat Gopi comprehensibly. And there was another first too, I thanked my sis whole-heartedly.

Std 6

After getting a really really long lecture about the life and behavoiur in secondary sections from Mrs. Balambal on the last day of primary, we really got to know that these guys were more boisterous than we had been. It was nice and we got into the groove pretty soon. During the whole of my secondary schooling, I was in J section. That really helped build some strong relationships with friends and teachers. 6th was fun in more than one sense. We made every teacher most welcome (ie teachers dreaded our class). I remember my class teacher Mrs. Alamelu Chidambaram (AC) was very fond of me that she even made me class leader for 2 quarters (which she said she has never done before). I was a bit proud of that.

I was an early bird right through my schooling days. I usually come to class some 30mins-1 hr before the school starts. One day, I decided to have a bit of fun and closed the door of the class. A friend of mine, Nivedita came into the class later and opened the door only to find me screaming and scaring her. Then she thot we should let the others geta taste of it too and so we began the chain reaction. That ended when one girl started crying and then we scared AC too. What followed was a stern warning. I had a nice reputation and I was scared that this incident will mar my image. Luckily in the fun, nobody knew the person who started the whole thing, so I escaped.

Also, we sometimes lock ourselves up in the class so that we dont have to go down for the prayer routine which was usually boring. We used to have fun inside the class while the rest of the sections used to pray in the mornings. This ofcourse lasted only till the vice principal caught us when we were making too much noise one day.

One more incident that I had forgotton about, but was later reminded by Nivedita. Our class was adjacent to Indian Overseas Bank (there were quite a few complaints due to the noise we make) and also a beautiful cotton tree. The ripe cotton seeds will be at a pluckable distance from our class window. Even otherwise, we used to invent ingeneous methods of getting cotton seeds including using a string of rubber bands tied to a stick. What started off as a one-to-one fight with cotton one day during lunch engulfed the whole class and the cotton was strewn everywhere. AC ofcourse wasnt as cool as AC ;) But who cares, it was fun ;)

We had to give in some stupid book reviews "compulsorily". This word is often the funniest word during school, as it is usually taken as nothing but a joke. Anywayz, this actually made me read a few books n novels. We actually started reading books like chandamama and wisdom and archies when in primary (a valiant attempt by the librarian to keep us quiet in class). Though the Middle School Library did not have much of a collection, it was a good start for me.
And as per logic, I got my 3rd all rounder award. Also, for my birthday, we had a nice party at home with loud music and all the guys and girls dancing around. I was too shy to join them, even when they insisted. My father presented me with a nice Titan watch, which I still have it with me and wore it till the end of 12th.

Two of the most tragic incidents happened this year. First my perippa (father's bro) fell down from a train while trying to alight and got smashed. He was a bunch of bones when we took him to the hospital. But the most peculiar thing was that he was bearing all the pain and did not say anything about it baring once when the pain must have been really too much. I guess I learnt my patience and ability to keep silent when pained from him. But later that year, he went to his hometown and died there, about which we gotta know 6 months later. I still get emotional when I think that he did not want to give us any inconvenience even when he died. Then the next thing is when my dad fell down the stairs one day and broke his skull. After a month long treatment and examination at Vijaya Hospital, where doctors said he was fine, he returned but when he got checked by another doctor, we realised he had brain tumor. Thank god I dint know the severity of a brain tumor then. He got a long surgery done and still has a tube running from his brain all over his body draining fluid that is accumulated. He had a 50-50 chance with that operation and thanks to a lot of people who helped us with money and blood, he was able to survive. The only thing is that that dint make him quit smoking :P Habits die hard!

Std 5

The story continues...It was pretty much the same as 4th standard, with the same bunch of students (for once). Some interesting incidents did happen. There was some TM (Transidental Meditation) classes, which everyone hated. I was sincere while doing it, though inside everyone hated it to the core as it was encroaching upon our games classes. People used to do a lot of gimmicks and mock the teacher during TM.

One incident I really feel sad and bad about till date happened then. Probably because this was the first time my friend back-stabbed me. We used to play paper-ball cricket in the Primary Block of our school with some seniors and batch mates. We were warned before not to come late after the lunch break was over. On that particular day, I finished my batting (with an exam pad) and heard the lunch bell ring. So, I asked one of my friends to come along to the class, but he was awaiting his batting chance and said no. Then I ran back to the class and reached before the teacher did. Then, the rest of the troupe came along a bit late and got scolded by the teacher. I heard then that they were caught by our sports master and reprimanded and that took some time. But the shocking news came when they said that I was also part of the gang but somehow escaped once the sports master had caught them. This was totally unfair and I explained my point of view. But there were some 3-4 guys vouching I was also caught and sadly, in a democracy, majority wins, even though it may not be right. Probably for the first and last time, I had to lead the guys to Mrs. Balambal, me being a part of the guilty. I forgave them for that, but I could never forget that as I hadnt made a mistake and still was punished. Cruel Life.

The other incident was the poetry-recitation competition. It was one english poem, though I dont remember which one. I was selected to recite that in front of the entire secondary sections (Std 6 to Std 12) during the morning assembly session (GA). I was not afraid of any crowd, and I began nicely, but in the middle I had forgot a word. I instinctively told "chi" and repeated the line. Everyone started laughing. That probably cost me the prize, but I did what I found right. I dont really bother about what others think about me. All I was concerned was that I should do what I thought was right, and if I was wrong, I have to accept it.

Mrs. Usha Mohan was still our class teacher and almost the entire teachers were the same. Except that our tamil teacher was Mrs. Vedavalli. She happened to be my neighbour's daughter. So, she used to frequent my house. I remember once when I tried to impress her by reading Tamil standing outside. That was probably the only time people saw me studying :P I generally do my work in afternoons when everyone else will be sleeping, so no one ever notices me touching a single book. Even then, I would be just ok with notebooks and class notes. I hated and still hate reading through books. I feel books have too much of unwanted things, trying to make it "clear" and "exhaustive". Anywayz, my attempt at trying to impress was rightfully and properly countered by none other than my father and sister. They asked me why I was suddenly studying and that too tamil and that too outside the house and that too only when the teacher came. That was as blunt as it can get and I felt ashamed and went inside. Never did I open any book after that ever :P

At the fag end of my primary, after all the exams, when we had nothing to do but go to school and play, our tamil teacher organized a debating session. People were asked to prepare on whether they liked their mother or father the best. I remember that I was the only one supporting father. And I did my best to argue my point, though the debate itself tried to go along the lines of "patti pandram" that we see on tv. Later, I received a nice compliment through the teachers daughter when she saw me in my house. I took it as an acknowledgement that I can still stand by what I think is right even if everyone else thinks otherwise.

One of the ex-PSBB teachers used to live in my flat. One day, she had come to the school to visit the faculty. When she came into our class, I was surprised. She asked for Dilip, but my class teacher dint know who Dilip was. We were just having an english lesson, where there was a phrase "Dilip, it is coming towards us!" and I somehow felt really shy because of all that. I bent down to hide myself, but later gave myself up. Then followed the giggles and jokes of my classmates. Out of my school mates, only a few actually know my pet name, those who were with me in 5th i.e.

I was expecting my all rounder award this year, as I thought I was the most eligible in the class, but sadly, I did not get it. But I did not feel sad. I was thinking 2..4..then logically should be 6...so I was waiting for next year to get one more.

Std 4

There was an uprising by all the parents and they abolished grouping students according to marks. Now, it was according to their choice of language. I was in G section (G and J were the tamil sections), while both Siva Shankari and Vikram went to hindi sections. Too bad I thought. I would have relished competing head to head with them. But that was the beginning of having a really good time in PSBB. Lot of friends and fun. We used to be a really boisterous class and was a constant headache for the librarian next door. I was the class leader and visiting Mrs. Balambal with the class defaulters used to be a everyday affair. I dint really feel proud or ashamed for doing that, I just did that cos I was supposed to do that. It was fun to bunk a part of the class anywayz. I remember Mrs. Usha Mohan was our class teacher and the only other teacher I remember is my Tamil teacher, though I forgot her name. I got an ALL ROUNDER award this year too, though I did not feel much about it.

Std 3

Well, I managed to get an ALL ROUNDER award in class 2 (I had no idea why they gave it or for what, but it was an award and I dint really feel really happy about it). But they presented it in some auditorium (I think Narada Gana Sabha) and I was happy that some of my relatives came to see me receive the prize. It was nice in that way. Anywayz, I managed to get into the E section, though I had a disliking to people being grouped according to their academics as I had to leave some of my friends, who went to other sections. 3E was an experience in itself. I was with the best academic students of my batch at that time. It made me get to know some more guys.

There was one Siva Shankari, and however much I tried, apart from in 1-2 subjects, I always used to end up second best. This made me fiercely competitive. Though I never really put in extra effort or slogged, I wanted to be the best. One more guy, M.Vikram was a good friend and we three used to fight out for the top slot. I lost out in the end and dint get the ALL ROUNDER prize for that year.

The thing I remember best about my third was the GK (General Knowledge) sessions. It was really interesting and I took a liking for facts then. I was amazed by the number of things out there in the world. I was also part of some competition groups (ofcourse headed by Siva Shankari) but I never really wanted to test how well I knew GK. All I wanted was to know some things. Also, that year, I had my first PCM exam, in which I got to the finals. Some things I never win in life, and this was one of them. Every year I took part in those exams, I used to get into the finals but never cross that final hurdle to win something. I think its due to the fact that I dont really wanna win in such things. I am glad that Im decent enough.

I remember one day when my rikshaw-man did not turn up in school and so I coaxed RamKumar to accompany me in walking/ running back to our house. It was some 4kms and it took us some 45 mins to reach home. Parents were anxious and the next day, we got quite a bit of 'treatment' from our rikshaw-man, but it was part of my adventurous spirit, and I quite liked it.

I also got my first certicate for full attendance in that year. I felt pretty happy with that.

Std 2

Shifted my residence to Rangarajapuram, which was pretty much an under-developed area then. I had a cat when I was in west mambalam, even though my father dint want me to. I dint know the reason why he hated cats. Later only I got to know that he loved cats and had kept a couple. But ever since one of them got stolen, he somehow got averse to cats. I used to feed it with milk n stuff. And it even used to sleep with me at night in the same bed. I used to love it a lot. I cried when we left that behind while shifting. I felt it was really unfair. I learnt later that the cat kept on roaming without food or water for 30 days purring and one fine day, was found dead. I felt really helpless and was not consolable. I learnt friendship n faithfulness.

I had to write an entrance exam for PSBB. I was told a lot of tell-tales about the new school, most of which were meant to scare me. One such story I remember is that one kid who got admission into PSBB but later was caught playing in the school playground was expelled from the school. Sounds ridiculous now, but even then I just listened to it and carried on. Never really thought anything about it. I remember it as I had a question mark about the 'incident'. The written test was comedy. I answered all questions but forgot the name of any flower. Then I asked the guy next to me to name a flower and he said jasmine. Dint know that guy will turn out to be my best friend in school. And then I dint know that that was copying! I was pretty bad at colors, so my parents were tensed about the interview. That was the first time I saw Mrs. Balambal, the revered headmistress of primary sections. She seemed friendly and offered me her hand which I promptly shook thinking why not the questions first. I heard that I got 12th rank among the 72 students who took up the exam. Mrs. Balambal said its good but I felt its bad and wanted to do better. Then I answered some names n stuff and finally the dreaded colors! When I saw the things, I was pretty happy, it was only the basic colors. She asked me only the colors but I told her the shapes also. She seemed pleased and admitted me. And thank god they dint have any green stuff then! Also, on that day, my father got me a silver chain, which I refused to wear. I never had a liking for jewellery. So then, he got me a black thread with a ganesh dollar. I wore it till the end of my 11th when I was coaxed to wear a silver chain.

I was in 2H and I remember that they grouped students according to their academics. So, E was the most sought after section. I was pleased to be elected the Class Leader on my first day in a new school. I was not shy of making new friends, and I am willing to take up responsibilities and I guess that helped. I dont remember the name of my class teacher, but I know she was my science teacher as well. I used to be pretty pro-active in class, though I was a bit silent in the week in which the parents used to sit in the class and observe. I never am my best when I am being watched. I remember a few guys from 2nd. To name a few, ramprasad who lived next street to mine and used to come in the same bus, Noor Mohammad - who was the rowdy of the class and somehow I managed to become friendly to him. And ofcourse sakthi kumar, though we dint really become close friends till secondary.

Now, onto some things that happened at home. Since I shifted to a new flat and there were lotsa ppl around my age, it was fun. We used to play together in the evenings. I used to finish my homeworks in the class itself so that I can come back from school and play with them. Boys and girls used to play together and we had quite a nice time. There was RamKumar, who just lived below me and my batch, though he was in hindi section. He was my closest friend for sometime.
I remember that I used to carry all my books and notebooks properly. My sister used to put all the covers for my notebooks and books the day before school opening for a small sum from my mother or a big favor from me. This carried on till the end of my secondary school. I was chided for being such a baby and doing such childish things like covering my notebooks and books, but I was never bothered. I used to be totally careless. Everyday I used to lose something or the other. So much that my mother used to keep track in a notebook about what items I carried to school and back. Even then, I used to lose so many things from pencil boxes to money to notebooks to jackets and umbrellas. My mother was instrumental in making me sincere in my studies. She always made me aware that the end of my primary was the deadline for me to become independent in studying. She used to assist me in all subjects except english in which I used to ask my doubts to my father, whom I thought had a strong command over the language.

Std 1

Std 1: I had become a bully of sorts by then. Used to have paper fights with the 'rogue of the class' and so became quite famous among the quiet and soft guys. I remember that I took part in a dance competition as krishna, with one girl as radha. I forgot her name, but I clearly remember the torture I had to go through that day. I was painted from head to toe with blue paint, given one flute only at the last minute and I was sweating cos of all that. Anywayz, I somehow got to dance and we ended up with some prize, I am not sure if it was first prize. I have a photo of that.

Then comes the sports day. I sure got everything very early in life. That includes knowing my weaknesses too. I was always a very slow eater. Thats one thing I have never been able to master in the first 22 years of my life (dont think its gonna change much hence :P ) Anywayz, we had a running race in the sports day. I got selected for that cos I was a decent runner. But the problem was that on the sports day, we had to run for some distance, eat one banana, drink a glass of milk and then run the remaining distance. I was the first to reach the banana by quite some distance, then took my time to sincerely finish the banana. By the time I looked up, I could find only all the parents in sight giggling at me. Then I heard my mother say, its ok just run the remaining distance. I asked her what about the milk, and everyone else started laughing. So, I just ran the distance and finished obviously first...from the last...

My birthday that year was special. All my uncles attended it and I cut the cake at the stroke of 10am, when I was born. It was something nice. I had got 2 extra packets of chocolates, which me and my cousin deepa alone finished entirely sitting on the roof. And when I came down, I was hating eclairs!

The day my maternal grandfather died is etched in my memory forever. I have never seen my paternal grandparents. Even my sis only vaguely remembers them. All I know about my grandfather was that he used to get me "balpams" whenever I wanted. I used to scribble a lot with those, and I liked them as they are long and like a pencil. He had paralysis for some 3-4 years before. He had a heart attack and was admitted in a serious condition. When the doctors said that he will have only a few hours left, my grandmother opted to bring him home. All this, ofcourse, I was unaware. On the day of my social studies exam, my mother made a routine call in the morning on the way to drop me to school. She told me that her father was in a serious condition, I had a choice either to miss the exam and come with her or to go to school. I asked her whether my cousins will be there. She told me yes and all I was thinking was playing with them and said I wanted to join her. It feels bad thinking about it, but all I did that day was play with all the kids. They called me up to say the final words to him and he blessed me (and somehow only me), though I had forgot what he said. I always feel a bit flustered to be "special". Maybe thats why I am humble. Anywayz, after he died, my sis cried like mad. It was shocking as it was the first time I have seen my bossy sister emotional and crying. I was also there when they took out his eyes to donate, though I could never catch a glimpse of how they actually did it. I thought then that I should also donate my eyes once I am dead, though now, its pretty weak and dont think its worth donating.

Kindergarden

LKG : I remember clearly my first day in school. My mother and father prepared me well for the first day long before I stepped into school. But I realise now that they were really anxious. I went into the class filled with kids screaming n crying. I went and sat in some empty desk and was curious as to why the next guy was crying. I remember my mother just sneaking a glance through the window to check on me, and smiled on seeing that I was doing ok. After school, I ran to the gate where my father was the first one standing, and that continued right till the end of my school days!

One more thing I remember about LKG was my birthday. My father had purchased me cadbury's chocolate nuts. I went around distributing to everyone. I offered one to all the aayahs' there and they blessed me saying 'nice kid'. And I always was a nice kid, thanks to their wishes in part.

My routine was that my father picked me up from the school and after coming back home and having lunch, he used to make me liw down with him. But once he slept off, I used to get up and play something or just do something or the other out of curiosity. I learnt to lie also pretty early to cover up my mistakes, but there wasnt one thing that wasnt found out.

I also used to vividly watch the street cricket from the balcony of my house. Except for one coconut tree, I could watch much of the action. I even remember some of the names of the guys who used to play cricket, but I used to think all of them were good in one way or the other. I used to finish my homework in the afternoon when I was supposed to be sleeping so that I can watch the cricket in the evening. If they dint play, I would be really disappointed. My passion for cricket started then. I dint wanna make it big and all that, but I just loved the game.

UKG: I dont remember much apart from the day when we were given some prizes for the previous year. I dint know then that I received the prize from Mr. C. Subramaniam, the former minister for industries, who was a key person in the industrial revolution of India in the 60s. Anywayz, I got my first prize (3 little pigs story book). I remember thinking that the auditorium side entrances to the stage was really cramped cos of all the performers and the list of students to get awards.

How it all began..

1.5 yrs: Everyday, from when I was 6 months old, my mother used to leave me in my grandmother's place while going to work and got me back from there while coming back. We were in west mambalam, had to walk to the bus stop for 10 mins, then take a bus and go to vadapalani and then walk to the house. On this particular day, I heard my mother saying that the milk man has not come and that she has to ask my uncle to get it from my grandmother's place. So, I wanted to be of help and started out on my venture, taking a brass pot to get milk. I had gone almost near to the bus stop. I had to go thru a small street and I sighted a bullock cart approaching. So, I was standing aside to allow it to pass. And then our milk maid came and lifted me and carried me to the house where everyone was damn anxious and relieved. My curiosity n adventurous nature goes a long way :)

2 yrs: I remember wearing my first safari suit and going for a photo shoot with all my uncles. It was an experience that I dont recall properly, but I got myself photographed in safari as well as pyjamas. I have only the pyjama photo now.

We had to go meet the principal of the school I was to go to. Already people told me so many times about the school that I knew the school name. Also, I was taught some prayers by my father and other things by my mother. I went met the principal. I dont remember her face, but she was nice and offered me a Marie biscuit, which I promptly declined and asked for a brittania. She laughed and gave me two and told my parents that she will admit me in.

Down memory lane...

It all feels so fresh in my memory that its hard to believe its been 22 yrs. If you wish to travel down memory lane with me, hold tight, cos its a long journey...

And for clarity and easy navigation, I thought maybe I should split it according to each year..

The chronology based on years is due to Ramprasad's site which I thot was quite convenient to follow.

And yeah, I miss being a kid!

Finally...

If you donno me, im Random Access, aka (RA, Rara, Raja, Raj, Dilip, Rags, Sooper Crack, Sincere Sigamani, Bandage Pandian, Nanu). If you donno me still...just read or escapeets!

From my childhood, there is one thing I wanted to do and failed miserably at (no no, its not abt girls!). I always wanted to keep a dairy. Tried a lot of times, was punctual for a day or two, then wht the heck, god knows where I kept it. Finally managed to create a blog for myself. Nothing assured, but atleast I cant blame my laziness on paper which flew away in the wind or dairy that disappeared mysteriously from the cupboard or file accidentally deleted from the computer.

A couple of resolutions to start with:

1. Never let nothing stop you
2. Always stop at the signal
3. Once you get the green signal, let nothing stop you..

Erm...whatever!

I am sleepy, so forgive me for that. Btw, I got a primitive site at http://www.geocities.com/sooper_crack/ which you might want to check out. Will put something up here when I am saner.

Random Access
The search has just begun !!!